Reflections
by MaeMay
Summary: A short drabble summarizing Bella's past year of life if the Cullens never returned.


A/N: A reflective look back on a year full of change for Bella Swan brought on by something she's been waiting for.

* * *

_**Reflections**_

When it finally happens, her mind purges of a year's worth of memories and everything comes full circle.

Appropriately, the first half-second of it causes her mind to momentarily lapse. There may be noise in the background of loud cheers resounding from the television and other louder cheers coming from those else in the decently sized living room but that, too, fades to Bella Swan.

What she realizes once her mind catches on is that Jacob must've waited for this. It had to be planned out because she knows him well enough to be reaffirmed that he wouldn't act on something like _this_ so impulsively. What makes her believe this quick thought starts those cycles of explosions in her head.

The year in review begins with the most important person in her life.

Against her eyelids, Bella first remembers and so vividly sees her high school graduation that took place on the night of June 6th and the awful yellow cap and gown Renee said made her pale skin look a bit transparent and sickly. By this point in time things are easier and Jacob even suckers Bella into celebrating the success of surviving '_academic abuse'_ with him. Their night of pizza and ice cream and reruns of The Office lands them passed out on the couch. Passed out on the couch _together_. It becomes clear in her mind that this was the point of change for the friendship duo of Jake and Bells and it must be why she's seeing it now.

Falling asleep together became a reoccurring theme over the many late nights of summer and Bella was almost certain something like that shouldn't feel so intimate between friends. To further encourage this thought, she once tried to imagine herself and Embry, another close friend, in a similar position but before that imagery could be constructed she's shuddering and wrinkling her nose. So yes, it's different with Jacob Black. Their affections changed from once strictly hand holding to holding each other just as effortlessly.

As the memory plays, so do the times burned into her mind when Jacob ventures on to _touching_ her. Fingers on her back, under her shirt, fingers on her face, fingers on her neck, thumb brushing her lower lip, palm resting on her upper thigh under the dinner table, hand on hip(s)… the most recent involving Bella waking up to Jacob greeting her with soft kisses to her neck which, after further thought, felt _good_.

But that was as far as things like that went. And her mind backs up that statement with the poignancy of the thought:

_We'd been so close to kissing so few times_.

The first was the same morning as Jake's lips discovering Bella's neck when the pair woke comfy in his bed after a late night of celebrating Halloween as Little Red Riding Hood and the Big Bad Wolf. The expectation she felt dissolved into a letdown after she built up the courage to turn and face him, knowing what it could mean… Despite their lips being so close, his instead settled on her forehead with a silent apology. The second almost kiss was on Thanksgiving when Jacob took her ice skating in Seattle. She'd cuddled into his side for warmth as he stroked her cheek with his hand to fight away the chill reddening her skin, all the while catching her gaze for a few time-stopping moments, only to once again find her forehead with his lips. The final was on Christmas day in Charlie's kitchen. Bella had sat tiredly on the counter and Jacob had in return stepped between her knees, lowering his head—arms around her—so that their foreheads were just touching for the longest and logically most intimate of moments, only for Bella to discover his breath was rather minty and sweet but never the texture of his lips.

For whatever reason, Jacob never acted on those very clear opportunities.

For Bella, all those close calls left her in a conundrum over right and wrong, but being in his arms felt too close to perfect, so something had to be right. …Right? Still, asking Jacob _why not?_ was taken out of the equation. Part of her shouldn't feel so relieved that he hadn't crossed the final boundary—one that was _barely_ there, some days more or less than others. None of those occasions felt fitting. But the curiosity of why _he _was still waiting kept her up late many nights (and it's not until the present moment—_now, _as it happens—that she realizes why).

Before this moment, her mind came to the conclusion that there _was_ something stopping him. Edward. Or rather the _memory_ of him and the mess he left behind. (It's no wonder the year feels so short to Bella when the first three months are just a black hole of things too painful which she's constantly reminded of whenever the idea of a relationship with Jacob questions her.)

Her mind and memory follows this lead, and against her eyelids she now sees that beautiful man.

Edward is in her thoughts fifty percent less these days. Nothing as great or complex like the times and memories with Jacob are, but he's _there_ and she's realized she can't ignore him.

Sometimes she wants to forget him, other times she wants to hold on to the reminder so as to compare it to other mishaps or misfortunes she may and is likely to face throughout the rest of her life and use it to prove to herself that she can overcome all else.

She'll openly admit that she does miss him, more so when she's reminded that she has nothing to remember him by which makes it all the more easier to truly forget him. But wasn't that his plan?

Once she even had Charlie use those great Chief of Police powers of his he's always talking about to try and track down the Cullens. Her excuse was to send them a Christmas card, but really she was just curious. After driving into a dead end, her father theorized that they must be living out of the country. That made the most sense to Bella the more she thought about it.

The final thought and image of Charlie sends her mind down the path of the last of three important relationships that have shaped her in the past year.

Even though their father-daughter relationship is tame compared to others, she'll take the comfortable silence they sit in compared to Renee's chatty, questioning, opinionated constant thoughts spewing from her mouth. She has an overwhelming love for him and how he seems to understand her silence.

When the idea of college came up more greatly over summer, Bella had no thought whatsoever of leaving Forks for a new start. Heck, she didn't even want to leave Charlie's home. It would feel too soon and she wasn't quite one hundred percent ready for that. He supported her decision like it was the best idea in the world of going to Community College part time and working the other half.

Still against her closed eyelids, she sees Charlie telling her at the kitchen table during that time period of decision making over summer to not make that choice in favor of Jacob and _to wait_… To wait on things with Jake until she was ready, despite him and Billy being their number one cheerleaders, because _What's the rush? Don't act on something that once hurt you for someone else's sake. It'll happen when it happens. Single looks good on you, kid._

She took his advice and now figures Charlie's words of wisdom must've _actually_ been a piece of advice he'd been right about in giving, because as Jacob's lips leave hers very slowly, the loss of warmth bringing her back into the present moment and away from the reflections of the past year, there's no regret or worry clouding her conscience. She wants more, feels her toes curl, and thinks his fingers inching one by one up her back might be promising her just that.

The kiss was only seconds long, she can still hear the faint "3, 2, 1!" echoing back to her ears and smiles at how ready she feels afterwards. (_Soft_, his lips are soft.)

"Happy New Year, Bells." He says it in a way that makes it sound like he's hoping that maybe this year she could be his. There was just too much to add on to the last year but now there's a fresh slate. She understands. It's not meant to be forgotten or overshadowed.

His lips are still so close that she can feel them whisper against hers as he continues. "Sorry it took me so long. I want this year to be about us, honey."

_I want this year to be about us. _He asks it of her by the way his eyebrows raise and his eyes hold her to him. Her own venture to his lips and back up again.

She nods.

-fin-


End file.
